i think i'm done here

the problem with dating someone substantially older than you, particularly at my age, is that they got most of their fucking up out of their system ages ago. so they neither sympathize nor allow for your antics, no matter how much you have - at this moment - a right to them. furthermore, they see your fuck ups coming - or at least think they do - before you've even had the chance to actually commit them. so you get punished, in advance, for crimes you haven't committed yet.

and then there are the obnoxious and ubiquitous pop culture references that are prefaced with 'when i was your age...' or the equivalent. 'i loved new order when i was a kid'...yeah? me too - sure i was loving them in an entirely different decade, but in a way it's actually more sincere...i mean, things - movies, music, books, etc - that were released at their own time were certainly more readily available, had the advantage of context, and...well...buzz, for lack of a better word.

then there is the lengthier list of sexual partners and failed relationships...or, on the other hand, a list that is disproportionately small considering their age. and while the fact that they are still on the market in their mid to late thirties might be entirely voluntary, it still has to raise a red flag or two. and anyway, even if they aren't the 'settling down' type - let's face it, they are significantly more 'settled' in their existence than a twenty-three year old who has much more in front of her than behind and whose biggest obstacle in life is too many options, rather than an ever narrowing tunnel of opportunity.

sure, there is an advantage to having a lot of the bullshit and a lot of the growing pains behind you. and there must be a sense of accomplishment at having survived all of that. and of course, life is hardly over at 36 (especially for men, as they have at least two decades left to father children should they so choose.) maybe there is even a greater appreciation of time...since, what's the saying - youth is wasted on the young? - but my my isn't there just a hint of envy in that statement? anyway, all of the maturity and wisdom that seemed so attractive just months before suddenly feels jaded and condescending. and my freedom, optimism, youthful exuberance, and firm body, wasted on the old.