damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Blah...

I have not been a big fan of this last year, it's no secret. Actually, i have not been a big fan of my participation in this last year. For lots of reasons - the specifics are immaterial, and anyway, half of you know the specifics anyway.

But, in the interest of silver-lining observation, i have learned a lot. ive sewn some wild oats, er...whatever we want to call them...and thats good because we're all entitled to i think and i definitely didnt get to do much of that when i was younger (ie an age ending in the word 'teen') so...ok...i can check sewing wild oats off of my to do list.

And, in some (presumably) sick way, I get to own all of my mistakes. I'm old enough now to know that anything i do from here on out has nothing to do with my parents, my friends, that rough year in the 7th grade, the alignment of the planets at my birth, etc. It's all me...all the mistakes are mine, and so it follows, anything positive i do is mine too. Plus blaming myself for my transgressions (i believe they call this 'accountability' but its a concept that is very new to me still) feels a lot better than that crappy, no-leg-to-stand-on, unsubstantiatable (word? ok, prob not) blame anyone or anything within a five foot radius shit that you know no one buys but you spew out anyway. Not fighting like a cornered animal is refreshing....and it only took me 23 years to figure that out - am i a quick study or what?

The best thing about fucking up so royally in the last year (or....two...or three...whos counting?) is that at this point it is easier to wipe everything off the boards and start from scratch. if you only kinda fuck up theres this tendency to keep working with what you have and if you manage to pull it out of the bag then great, god bless you.

but if you are ocd like me....or just someone who can only learn things the hard way...or a masochist...or all of the above.....then at a certain point you have to just say fuck it and start over. and i guess its a bit cool....i get to look at myself - my likes, my hates, my values, my vices, my favorite foods, whateverrrr and say ok yknow that still rings true, that can stay or hm, that no longer applies/i dont want to be that/think that/feel that/do that and then 86 it. (note: a few things that are not changing include my hatred for asparagus, my love for u2, my al green impression, my diet coke dependency, and my firm belief that asians should not be issued drivers licenses by the state of california)...anything else is up for grabs.

ok, admittedly, a lot of this is a bunch of pollyanna bullshit psychobabble - desperate graspings of thinning straws etc......

but, that said, whether im just saying it or reeeally believing it, i sorta think that i think its kinda true. maybe. (oooh, looks like someone is ditching that non-committal character trait. holla!)

well even if it isnt true or accurate or helpful, well.....lets just say my life could be worse - i could get hit by a truck, or lose a loved one, or be diagnosed with a horrible disease, or an assortment of things that have nothing whatsoever to do with my actions but just happen to good and bad....(though not, it would appear, to oj simpson - the great evader of penance...anyway, i digress, back to my point ... do i have one...? yes i do, my point is that.....:

i may get dealt a blow or two by life, but not by me.....not for a long while.....because, at this point in time in my little life - i, myself, katherine mccabe legato, cannot POSSIBLY fuck anything up worse than i have this year. i have plateaued.

thank christ, praise allah, etc.