chair swings...the way of the future

i. am. exhausted. so tired my bones ache. so tired that i almost burst into tears like the three year old i really, truly still am. have been up ALL night - packed etc, moved out of the flat by 1 am, got to the airport at 2am. this was an epically MORONIC thing to do. my mother kept nagging at me - 'get out of there, there's nothing left for you there....go to the lounge!' i was content with going at 7 in the morning but no. nononononono. i am sure you are wondering how my mother could possibly hold such sway over me from 6000 miles away....i am too. but she can and she does and so i did as she bid me. and, as a result, spent the next four hours curled up in a ball on the floor of the airport, waiting for the virgin people to show up and let me go have my damn eggs benedict already. needless to say i was very very bitter with my mother. i couldnt even speak from the exhaustion and the frustration. i literally just said 'mom...hatred. hatred. just hatred.' over and over and over again.

i felt like a combination of tom hanks from 'the terminal' and tom hanks from 'castaway'....and while i love tom hanks, i should not be feeling like him. i should be feeling like me...me drinking a mimosa and sleeping on some pretentious mod sofa from habitat or the like.

anyway - everytime i fell asleep id jolt awake so that was .... not even a minimally successful endeavor. and i had basically no sleep the night before that either....so by 5:30 am my typically sunny disposition (shut up, i have one. i do!) was clouded over by a hatred for humanity so pristine it could split atoms.

then all of the economy booths but upper class remained closed. and i glared, even though i could not yet identify someone to glare at. and then she appeared....i dont know her name, so i shall dub her 'Dumb Bitch'. Anyway, she opened her fucking kiosk about 15,000 minutes later and then this american couple in front of me semi bitched her out, which pissed me off because damn it that was MY self righteous tirade. I'd been there since 2 in the morning...I earned that self righteous tirade!

In that tirade I was going to verbally rip to shreds the inefficiency of the Brits.....because truly truly.....LAX is always open. LAX is a wretched experience, dont get me wrong. But its always open. Because its american. Because thats what we do...we do 24 hours and you know what else, we do it with a FUCKING SMILE.

Anyway, 'Dumb Bitch' did not apologize and said 'well im only 10 minutes late in opening and anyway if economy opens earlier what can i do?' and i thought nonono....wrong wrong wrong.

this is the part, my dear dumb bitch, in which you eat shit and die. 'i am sooo sorry. i apologize, etc' - even if you dont mean it, thats fine. but work it a little. after all, you work AT THE AIRPORT! im guessing you need the cash.

anyway, i hadnt printed out an e-ticket...as i had checked in online. now....in the last two years i have flown virgin atlantic from london to los angeles and vice versa and never have i ever needed to go to the special ticket desk and have one printed. and i have three bags, each weighing 70 pounds (dont ask...i really really dont know...) and the ticket desk is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way the fuck over there. except that there is another ticket desk...the upper class ticket desk which is sitting right the fuck there. right next to dumb bitch - a desk. with ticket printing capabilities. but she has sent me...banished me....to the ticket desk in fuck-knows-where so....being the obedient ex-catholic school girl that i erm...actually really never was....i go. and i stand. and i wait. for them to open the fuck up. they are there...i can see them....i could throw something at them. they are talking and laughing and recapping the night before and i am standing there, bitter but with a sweet smile on my face because typically that works for me. i look sweet, they help me out - theyve had people screaming at them all day and so i am a relief.

except! i forgot one crucial thing. its 6 fucking am. no ones been cranky or bitchy with them yet. they still have an air of self righteous, condescending indignation.....and again, i cant stress this enough, that indignation is lost on me....BECAUSE THEY WORK AT THE AIRPORT!!! finally i say fuck this, im going to have to go back to the check in place anyway once i have that handy dandy little peice of paper....its not a boarding pass by the way....this is just the paper i have to have in order to get another, better, cooler looking peice of paper.

anyway...so i use my last bit of strength to push that 95 kilo baggage cart plus carry ons etc....all the way back to u.c. check in. and the lady, excuse me, dumb bitch, says i told you you needed to get a ticket printed at which point i said and i quote:

'No.'

She looked bewildered and then said ma'am you need to go there and get my ticket printed and i said...no, you need to go THERE and PRINT my ticket.

She opened her mouth to argue and I just thought to myself if she speaks again my head will explode so i cut her off:

im not pushing that cart another step - i am NOT going back there and waiting for them to decide to do their jobs and im the only person in line at the moment so print the ticket.

i knew though as i said these things that there would be reprocussions for me...specifically i knew i probably wouldnt get much leeway with what i felt certain were my overweight bags. the chances of having that issue waived was greatly reduced when i realized that a man would not be helping me at the counter today. but then with this.....decimated. hope lost.

but then! AMAZING - they have to be 30kilos or less. the first one was 22, the second one 30 exactly and the third one, 31 kilos.

AND SHE FUCKING MADE ME TAKE STUFF OUT AND MOVE IT TO THE OTHER SUITCASE ANYWAY. vindictive, vindictive bitch. it turned out all that need be done was for me to remove one book....ONE BOOK and put it in the other bag....it was so stupid....it was fine, and do-able and not that big of a deal. except that it was sooooooooooo stupid. and that pains me.


but! none of this matters...because for the last hour i have been sitting in a chair swing. and it rules. mmmmm nap time. more tales to come :)